


Hanasanai yo, you are my everything  (I won't let you go)

by vogue91



Category: Hey! Say! JUMP, Johnny's Entertainment
Genre: Angst, Break Up, Flashbacks, M/M, Mental Breakdown, Suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-28
Updated: 2018-06-28
Packaged: 2019-05-29 20:23:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,152
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15081020
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/vogue91/pseuds/vogue91
Summary: Kei walked.He walked down the road between university and his apartment, slowly.He could’ve taken the train to go back home, but he didn’t feel like it.And instinctively, he realized, he had also taken the longest way.He didn’t really want to go back, but he knew he was going to have to, sooner or later.





	Hanasanai yo, you are my everything  (I won't let you go)

Kei walked.

He walked down the road between university and his apartment, slowly.

He could’ve taken the train to go back home, but he didn’t feel like it.

And instinctively, he realized, he had also taken the longest way.

He didn’t really want to go back, but he knew he was going to have to, sooner or later.

He couldn’t stand that thought. He couldn’t stand the thought of getting back to that apartment, where he had lived some of the most beautiful moments of his life, and find it different from how he liked to remember it.

Not finding Kota’s books on the shelves, not finding his clothes in the closet, not finding his stuff into the bathroom.

Not finding him.

The night before, when he had left, Kei had still been busy crying all his tears to actually worry about the moment he was going to come back home without him being there, without something to remind him of his presence inside that house.

Yabu had taken everything away. And it seemed to Kei like he had taken also a part of him along.

He felt he hated him right now.

He hated what he had done to him, he hated all he had kept from him during the years, as if he was a child to whom he should’ve hid the truth.

That was where Kota had gotten all wrong.

Considering him a child to protect, when there was nothing in him needing protection.

 

_“Kei... I can't take it anymore.”_

_“What does it mean you can't take it anymore, Ko?”_

_“I...”_

_“You still love me, don’t you?”_

But Yabu had played with him for too long, he had had his fun spoiling him, always letting him have what he wanted, making him feel the most loved man on Earth.

Kei wouldn’t have given much credit to the elder’s ability to lie, but he had to give it to him: during all those years, he had played his part perfectly.

He had played the loving boyfriend, and he had gone along with it because, after all, it had always been better for him.

But thinking about it now, he didn’t think he had ever done something wrong.

He was aware of his own flaws, he knew he was over the top and whimsical, that when he had a bad day it wasn’t easy to be with him.

But he had always tried, for better or worse.

And it had always looked like Kota didn’t mind too much these parts of him; he had always stayed next to him, after all.

He had always said he loved him.

Every single day, even more times during the day, when he was sure that no one could see them, Yabu pulled him close, kissed him and told him he loved him.

In hindsight, Kei saw those words more like a reassurance than spontaneous affection.

A reassurance for himself, not for Kei.

 

_“Didn’t I deserve you to tell me? Didn’t I deserve to know you didn’t love me anymore?”_

_“I'm sorry, Kei.”_

_“How long?”_

_“What?”_

_“For how long have you known you didn’t love me?”_

Every word Yabu had told him the night before was burned in his mind, haunting him as if the elder was still in front of him, that sad and sorry look on his face.

And he didn’t have a use for his sorrow.

Kota had cried.

He had cried and had hugged him and had told him he was sorry.

And Kei had let him like he was a doll, because that’s what he had been for him during the years.

A doll to use when it was most convenient, something which presence Kota had accepted, because it didn’t bother him so much.

That’s how he had made him feel, but he hadn't told him that last night.

He had just cried with him, because that was what Kota was expecting; for Kei to cry all his tears, like he was used to, he was expecting him to beg him not to leave, to tell him that things would've gotten better, that everything could be fixed.

And Kei had followed the script down to a T. He had told him all the elder wanted to hear, without being really convinced of it.

He didn’t believe it, and he had stopped fighting when Kota had told him he didn’t love him anymore.

What was the point in walking all over his already worn out dignity, then?

But he had, perhaps to make Yabu or himself feel better; he couldn’t say.

He just knew that he had had his tears, while all he would've wanted was a way to express his hatred.

 

 _“You’ve always been next to me... and I’ve just thought it was the right thing to do, that_ you _were right. But I’ve just accepted it for how it was, can you understand that? I never thought about it, I never thought whether I loved you or not. I just knew you were there, with me, and that it had to mean something.”_

_“Then why didn’t you break up with me when you realized that, instead of going on hurting me?”_

_“”Because I didn’t want you to do anything... impulsive. I didn’t want you to rush into anything.”_

_“But now you don’t even care about what I do, right?”_

Yabu had left.

He had left, no traces of him.

Not inside that apartment which had seen them happy, at least according to Kei, nor in his life.

And what he hated the most was that he had put all of himself into that relationship, he had given everything to Kota, sure that he could’ve made him happy, and now he knew it had all been a lie.

That nothing was real, that he was the only one who had been happy, that love came from him only and that he had been so blind that he hadn't seen that.

Kei sighed, looking around.

He was still far from his apartment, but he didn’t mind it.

He stopped for a moment, looking at the sky.

The sun was high, but he couldn’t really feel its warmth.

And he thought that the sun never warmed him enough anyway, not at times like these, not when the coldness came from within, leaving him no escape.

It didn’t warm him up enough, nor he wanted to feel the heat anymore.

He was tired of walking.

He went down the subway tunnel, waiting for the train to arrive.

It was almost lunchtime, and the platform was full of people going back home, to their families, to the people they loved.

Kei hated them, all.

And with that hatred, with the thought of Kota and his absence, a few seconds before the train arrived he took a step forward.

He barely had time to feel the pain from the fall.

Then, he felt nothing anymore.


End file.
